Coping

It isn't always easy. When the end comes we tend to never see it coming. We always think we'll have just one more moment, but time has a firm grip on our world and when the last sands of the hour glass fall time slams it's door on us.

A week ago tomorrow wicked left. Just as quick as she came into My life she is now gone from it. Time has slammed its evil door on My life and left Me with nothing but bittersweet memories of a love that ended too soon.

For the briefest moment the door creaked open allowing a faint light to filter through. Just a glimmer of hope only to re-sound it's prior example.

Now I'm left with a heavy heart and a saddened soul for the pain that I have caused and the pain that has been caused to Me. No matter how hard I want to throw open the door of time I am too afraid of what is on the other side to make the attempt. I am afraid that the woman I love has given up on herself and will never be willing to try again. For that I am sorry.

Not Right

I've come to realize that one of the hardest lessons for me to learn as a sub is that I don't always have to be right. Of course I always think I'm right, but it isn't the most important thing.

A couple days ago Hubby and I had a huge dispute (arguement) about something silly. I got mad, blew up and walked away. All because I knew I was right (of course I wasn't) and now I realize just how humbling it can be to be a sub. Wow! I'm also not very good at admitting when I am in fact wrong (not very often).

It was good, yesterday, to talk to wicked about all this, she's more of a sub than I am. She pointed out a few things and made some good points. One being that it doesn't matter if I'm right or wrong, He's the Dom and He is always right. Lucky for me, He's not that kind of Dom. He's willing to admit when He's wrong.

So I knew from the minute I mouthed off that I would be punished. I would MUCH prefer to just get my punishment and have it done. Although I was so upset (and quite possibly hormonal) that day I don't think I could have handled punishment. Two days have passed and I couldn't take it anymore so this morning I asked if He still intended to punish me. He said that He decided not to because we were both in the wrong when the "dispute" happened so He was going to let this one slide. Whew!!

The funny thing about my chat with wicked, however, was that she said she was glad that she wasn't the one mouthing off to Me the way I did to Him. she also added that she knew that her ass would be black and blue if she treated Me that way. I asked her if I really invoked that much fear in her and she replied with a nervous "Yes." LOL Good to know.

Munch

Today was our first community outing. I would LOVE to get more involved in our local community so this was a kind of exciting first step. The people were interesting, especially once the conversation turned to D/s & SM topics. They asked about Me and wicked and what our relationship was like and of course I told the about Hubby also. Naturally, they were stumped LOL. It doesn't seem that this sort of dynamic is a common thing (not that I have a problem with being out of the norm) It was a good time and I look forward to doing it again next month.

Since we've made our first public appearance it's made Me want to get even more involved in the community, but it seems we don't have much of one locally. So... looks like a trip to Seattle may be in our near future. We shall see.

Miss Manners

Warning:
wicked, you're not going to like this post! Either don't read it, or take it with a grain of salt. Remember that you're going to think the worst and that's not the case.

With that out of the way...
As the gap between the days of wicked's move in date narrows I'm realizing that I'm getting a bit of cold feet syndrome. This is one of those things that there just isn't a good way to say it, or even a way to say it without it being taken wrong, but this is MY place, the place that I go to talk about things concerning ME and MY feelings. This blog existed before My relationship with wicked and I'm not going to start censoring My feelings because she is reading! (not that anyone would expect Me to LOL)
So anyway, about the cold feet. I think that it all REALLY started 2 weeks ago when wicked was leaving on a Monday morning for work. I found Myself rather annoyed with the fact that before leaving she helped herself to certain items in the fridge and on the counter that were not hers. At this point she is not contributing financially to the household. That WILL be changing once she is here full time- or she will not stay. I work very hard to earn the money that I do and I don't appreciate some one taking things that belong to Me without asking. Well, I let it go and said nothing about it, after all, it was 4:45 AM!! just maybe I was moody because I was awake when I didn't need to be. So this past weekend the same thing happened, only this time I did say something. This has led Me to thinking more and more about how things will be once she is here full time. Unfortunately she doesn't make much money and the money she does make goes to pay off the HUGE mountain of debt she accrued in the last 4 years. My suggestion was that she might have to get a second job to help contribute, to which she argued that if she were to get a second job then she would never see us. My thoughts on that are "if you can't contribute to the household financially then you're not going to see us very often anyway because you're going to be moving back in with your parents!"
I realize it seems I'm on a rant here and I've gotten way WAY off subject here, but bare with Me because here's the point... I have the need to feel in control of what is Mine! Whether that is My money, My stuff or My sub! Had wicked thought about what she was doing and used her manners and ASKED for the items she was taking rather than helping herself I would have gladly given them to her and felt good about it.

Steps Down From Soap Box and Takes a Bow

Black and Blue

Lastnight as I was admiring a small bruise on My thigh I came to terms with the pleasure I get from the visual effect of bruises. Now I'm not talking about the huge "Oh My God!!" bruises, I'm talking about one that look like they came from fingers digging into tender flesh.

I can remember being a younger adult and secretly finding Myself attracted to bruises, but I "knew that it wasn't right" so it's another one of those things I tucked away and didn't think about because I shouldn't. Now that I've allowed Myself to expand My mind I've come to terms with accepting what I've always admired.

After My moment of realization I talked to Hubby about this and told Him what I'd discovered. As it turns out... I don't bruise very easily now. Wouldn't you know it? So... now it's somewhat of a work in progress.

I also enjoy seeing bruises on wicked, but thus far the only ones I've been able to give her are courtesy of My teeth (and then she screams and throws a fit about how I'm hurting her) Not that it bothers Me that I'm hurting her LOL, because that's part of the fun.

So... in conclusion;
I LIKE the visual appearance of bruises. There, I said it!!!

Boxes...

And I'm not talking about the pretty pink kind between milky white pillars >grin<

I'm talking about ones that are full of treasures and prized pocessions. Things that are important, things that make a house a home. This past weekend wicked started bringing a few of her things with her from her parents' house. As of this Friday she will be living with us full time, she starts her job on the 11th. I am very aware that there are challenges to living full time, but I also know that there are just as many benefits.

So we got the boxes unpacked and she's gone now and little bits of wicked are scattered about My home. There are little reminders of her every where (not that I am complaining LOL) It was nice seeing her move about putting her things here and there, waiting for approval, to see that it pleased Me. My apartment is rather small for 2 people, 2 dogs and 2 lizards, adding a 3rd person makes it even more crowded, so she can't bring many things with her. I believe that all she has left is clothes. I suppose one of the up sides to this is that I'll be stealing her clothes (hers are much cuter than mine LOL)

More to come on this soon. I'm hoping to start keeping My blog up a little better (time permitting) So, hope to write more soon.

And so the tides turn...

This post is one to shock the Blogger Nation!

Today an announcement was made in My home. A change of ownership has taken place. At long last... I have an Owner. I know, I know... it's weird for me too, but most definitely in a good way. A heirarchy has been created and I, for one, think it is a very good thing. For some time now there has been a bit of a rift in O/our relationship (meaning between me, Hubby and wicked) lots of power strugle, lots of confussion and lots of hurt feelings. I believe that this will resolve a lot of issues.

I've already found it very "freeing" to have this change take place. I can now truly relate to how a sub girl feels. It is so relieving to not have to be concerned with emotions... because what I feel will be for Him now. It's a relief to know that there is to be no more fighting, I don't get a say with Him so what is there to fight about?

So far He has set only one rule for me and that is that I must smile everytime I look at Him. I'll tell ya, I've been a smillin' fool today, I sure never realized how much I look at Him LOL. The other minor change is the tattoo on the back of my neck... a beautiful letter "L" the mark He chose for me and I will happily bear for Him.

So... back to Domme Land... wicked has been hired at a local restaurant. She will be putting in her 2 weeks notice tomorrow and in 2 weeks she will be My 24/7 girl (with His permission of course LOL) Brace yourselves boys and girls... things are about to get real exciting (and I'm ready for the ride)